I’ve begun to eat less excessively this week. All this average baking has made me fatter than a hippo and not nearly as cute. It’s bloody awful trying to eat well. I’m not doing anything terribly specific other than generally avoiding carbs (I LOVE CARBS CARBS MAKE ME HAPPY I WOULD MARRY CARBS IF IT WERE LEGAL OR POSSIBLE) and no blowouts unless it’s a pre-arranged thing. Obviously I organised a few pre-arranged things before beginning this regime. I’m not stupid.
I’m also hitting the gym every day. That makes me feel very uncool but listen, if no-one ever got to see me wearing my speedo bathers the world would be a less funny place. I’m not sure how much fun this blog will be in terms of posts until I start eating like a normal again.
Anyway today it’s salad. It’s salad every bloody day, and I’m on a constant quest to make them taste of something. It’s easy to make really delicious salads full of carbs and oil and CARBS and stuff but not all that easy to make something tasty under 250 calories. Christ, this is inhuman.
Put about a cup of rocket or lettuce or whatever on a quite big plate. Arrange the pointless greens so they cover as much of the lunar surface as possible. This is all about making nothing look like something.
Chop one tomato into quite small chunks and distribute likewise.
Chop up some cucumber too. Maybe 1.5 inches worth. You don’t want to be generous here, specially not with a vegetable that masquerades as food whilst being made purely of water. Slice up one side of a capsicum. This picture is blurry because I was obviously shaking with anticipation at eating such a delicious gourmet feast.
Evidence of dog begging for pickled onions. Stupid dog. Everyone knows dogs aren’t allowed to eat onions.
Cut up 3 little onions into bits and chuck on the salad.
Do the same with a gherkin.
Wow. It’s all coming together nicely. Make sure you cover the plate up as far as possible, this needs to look big.
Delicious delicious cheese. Above is about 1 serving size of feta (apparently 30g). Crumble over the salad. I also sometimes use about 1/3 of a buffalo mozzarella ball, torn up. I’m very middle class. I rarely use cheddar.
There will be bits of feta cheese left on your fingers. Eat those bits. If you eat a bit of finger at the same time don’t worry as I don’t think eating your own flesh counts as actual calories. How can it?
Today I used some cooked chicken breast for the meat part, but am also partial to a small tin of wild red salmon or some parma ham or speck or something. Sprinkle over your Salad Mountain.
Cracked black pepper goes on next and than about half-teaspoon of olive oil which will, if you’re at all clever, look like a crapload more with some skilled drizzling.
Eat in front of the Olympics. Drink a big bottle of water along with it. Tell the dog to stop the shameless begging.
You’ll be hungry again in about 10 mins but that is cause this whole meal is only about 212 calories according to my maths, which is admittedly notoriously bad.
Try on your skinny jeans. They won’t fit.