Porky Sausage Rolls

Right.  Here we are again.  Already.  I’m capitalising this time, too.  I must mean business.  I’ve also had a headache and recently took a lot of Panadeine Forte so that may go some way to explaining how things turned out today. Anyway…
Sausage rolls are always popular but I can’t be doing with the Jamie Oliver cheat of sticking some actual sausages in some pastry and calling it good.  So after putting the oven on at Gas Mark 5 or so, get yourself together:-

About 500-600g good pork mince.  preferably from a butcher but, as I have done tonight, from a Sainsburys will do

10 or so fresh leaves of sage

medium red onion

dried chillies

puff pastry (I usually use Jus-Rol or whatever it’s called, from the freezer section, but this time got Sainsbury’s own brand from the fridge section.  Do not use this.  Use Jus-Rol.  I have erred).

1 egg & a dash of milk for the egg-wash

salt and pepper to season

Have the dog beg for some pork mince you then make her eat off the floor.

Tip the pork mince into a mixing bowl with the sage and red onion which you will, of course, have finely chopped.  I did it tonight with a blunt knife.  It was boring.  Add some crushed chilli if you like.  I generally like adding this for two reasons.  (i) I like chilli, and (ii) if there are kids at the party you’re making the sausage rolls for they won’t like the chilli, so you’ll get to eat more.

Add some salt and pepper, good pinches, don’t be scaredy cats with the seasoning.  Then get your hands in.  If, like me, you didn’t take the mince out of the fridge 30mins or so before you began, this bit will chill your hands down to about -7 degrees.  It’ll hurt.  Anyway, smoosh it all around till well mixed.  You can try doing this all polite-like with a metal spoon but you’d be an idiot.  Hands are better.

It’ll look like this when you’re done.  See that knife?  Blunt.

OK.  Get yourself some of this stuff.  NO-ONE MUST EVER KNOW YOU USE THIS.  NO-ONE.  This’ll be the reason everyone thinks everything you cook tastes amazing.  Get it, hide it, and prepare to use it shortly.

Lay out the pastry and cut in half length-ways, and place a nice roll (hence, I suppose, the idea of sausage ROLL) of porky goodness along one edge of the pastry.  By this time I’m sure you’ll have cracked your egg into a ramekin or glass or something, whisked it a bit and put a splosh of milk in.  Cause you’ve done that already, it’ll be easy to use a pastry brush to brush on the egg-wash along the far side of the pastry.

Roll the beast up, the ends should overlap a bit.

I use a very sophisticated and tidy technique to ensure the ends stick together with the help of the egg-wash.  Study this photo closely and reproduce as far as possible.  Use a finger.  I’ve not tried using any other appendage but please, have a go and let me know what works best for you.

Use THE SECRET STUFF NO-ONE KNOWS ABOUT and sprinkle it across the top of the long sausage roll, which you’ve egg-washed.  I keep telling you to do things too late, I know.  Sorry.  Anyway sprinkle that stuff on it and cut the long sausage roll into whatever sizes you want.  Helpfully, the codeine today has allowed me to demonstrate to you the multitude of sizes you might want to end up with.  Repeat endlessly till all your mince has magically turned into sausage rolls.

Place on a tray.  Don’t need to grease it, if you’ve been good and gotten pork mince of any quality (no way should you buy that  ‘sausage mince’ they try to sell at the supermarket, oh god no) then there’ll be enough grease making its way out of the sausage rolls during the cooking.

This did not happen.  The dog did not drink the rest of the egg wash.

Look fruitlessly into the shit oven, rotating the trays every 30 seconds or so to prevent burning.  If you don’t have a shit oven, (i) I am resentfully jealous of you, and (ii) you can skip this step.

After about 30 mins or so take out of the oven and inspect your work.  Tonight I’m not that impressed.  I’ve done better.  These are, however, destined for a Christmas Cocktail Party and will, therefore, be eaten by a lot of drunk people so I will probably get away with it.  Eat with home-made tomato chutney (I’ll post that recipe another time.  Probably) or the ubiquitous ketchup.

Have a coffee, frown at the burnt bits and wonder how on earth you’re going to find a 70s fancy dress costume in the 45mins you have left before leaving for the party.
Bon appetite!

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